LOBBYIST LIFE

The Professor looked at me and with a smile said;

“Dear friend, one of these days one of those lovely ladies you fly incessantly to ski slopes, tropical islands and remote Mediterranean villages, is going to conquer your heart and in no time at all will have you at the altar and on your way to domestic bliss!”

“What have I done to you, Professor, to wish marriage upon me, or upon some innocent lovely that would be forced to share my permanent state of confusion and stress?”

“Don’t get me wrong. It is just that I worry about the future of that son that you dream having. Time flies and before you know he will be grown up and ready to face the future of our uncertain republic. Above all, and according to the prevailing philosophy he must learn to read and write, coast through the better schools and make money by the ton. This means a  lobbying career as the most appropriate choice.  I have been thinking about his future and have been lucky to find an excellent guide for Lobbyists. Remember that by the time he reaches his fiftieth year, to cure a hangover one single aspirin will cost 25 dollars and a doctor’s visit will command 5 thousand dollars!”

The Professor reached for a used manila envelope from the pile on his desk and read from the back of it: “The Lobbyist”

a)      A good lobbyist must have a lovely smile. Have your teeth fixed!

b)       If you lose your hair, stay bald. A bald lobbyist reflects character, virility, wisdom and inspires confidence (especially to other bald ones)

c)      Wear comfortable shoes. The corridors of power in WDC are long and tiring.

d)      Remember that in a lobbyist world, ‘Yes’ is not really ‘no’, same as ‘if’ is never ‘perhaps’ or ‘sure’ has the same value as ‘who knows!’

e)      There is no lie that can not be turned into an evangelical success. Train your conscience to be elastic; there is no lie that can not be transformed into a positive attribute and in the worst case a debatable premise. If you are bothered by your conscience at an early age, seek another career.

f)       Memorize the life and miracles of every committee member in Congress. Dig deep so you can collect some juicy tidbits of indiscretion and mischief. They can be useful in  the application of a bit of friendly persuasion, if the need arises

g)      Define your targets early. Go for the Banks, Pharmaceutical companies, Energy conglomerates, HMO’s and insurance companies and the ever popular Military-Industrial complex. They all can provide you with a license to print money.

h)      Learn a few American Indian languages. You need to make a good impression on those rich native  Americans that need a lobbyist for their c******.

i)        Memorize the best bars and restaurants in the city, along with names of the owner, the head waiter, the hat check girl and the parking valet. It would also help to keep a discreet list of adventurous ladies, handsome young athletes and a few farms with domesticated animals. You never know about our elected representatives, not that there is anything wrong with that.

j)        Study the key Chinese languages and the History of that great country. Then, learn to appreciate Chinese food, tailoring, sports, fashion, ladies, arts, music and torture methods. By the time you are fifty years old, you will need that knowledge to survive!”

“No thanks Professor!”